


The Demons In Our Minds

by Tonica



Category: Vera (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gay Sex, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4653543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tonica/pseuds/Tonica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vera notices a worrying behaviour pattern in Joe. She sets out to find out what’s causing it. What she discovers is shocking and saddening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Demons In Our Minds

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very long fic, maybe I should warn potential readers about that?

”Are you coming, pet?”

Joe Ashworth became aware of his gov’s voice. He realized that he’d been sitting at his desk, staring at nothing for – how long? Hastily he rubbed his eyes and got up, trying to look more alert. What time was it? He knew that Vera had mentioned leaving early today, but he had no idea what else they’d agreed on.

”Yes. Coming.”

”I’ll drop you off at home, shall I?”

”Yes, thanks.”

So no dinner tonight? Good. Celine would be expecting him at home. Celine – there was something she wanted him to do tonight. A good thing Vera would be driving. He kept drifting in and out of focus. No time to be thinking about sleep now.

He felt Vera’s gaze studying him unnervingly, but he couldn’t help smiling. How lucky he’d been to be assigned to her. He shuddered at the thought of working alongside most of the other DCI:s.

”What?”

”Nothing. It’s good to be going home.”

Was it though? Yes, he loved being with Celine and the children. It was just – at the moment, with work and all, it was a bit much. He just had to make sure he got a bit more sleep and he’d be alright. Everything was fine. He loved his job, his gov, his family. Anyway, it was ridiculous, he wasn’t much more than thirty. He could handle things. Of course he could.

A few minutes later, Vera dropped him off outside his house. Again, he zoned out, but pulled himself together enough to fire off a smile at his gov, a smile that almost reached the eyes.

”Go on now. Off with you.”

”Are you sure you don’t want to come inside for a while?”

”Yes, positive. Another time, perhaps.”

Or perhaps not. There was something about Joe’s family life that unnerved her. All those happy families. She didn’t understand them.

”Right. See you tomorrow, then.”

”Tomorrow.”

Once inside he was greeted by a loud whoop.

”Dad!”

”Hello, sweetie. Why aren’t you in bed?”

”I waited for you. Come and tuck me in.”

”Alright. Just let me get rid of -”

Jessie ran off, presumably to her room. He hung up his coat and hurried upstairs after his daughter. In the background, he could vaguely hear the baby whimpering and soothing noises from Celine. Hopefully, his son would already be fast asleep.

As he had expected, Jessie was already under the covers, the story book clutched in her hot, damp little hand. He blinked a few times, to clear his sight. At least these story books used the big print. He started reading at the top of the page.

”No, daddy. You read that yesterday. It’s the next -”

Impatiently, yet indulgently, she pointed at the bottom of the next page. Parents were slow, stupid maybe, but you had to make allowances for their great old age, she seemed to be thinking. Again, Joe couldn’t help smiling. He loved her so much –

”Sorry. It’s good that you keep track of where we are.”

He finished the chapter, and though Jessie wasn’t asleep, she seemed about to doze off and her eyes were drifting closed.

”Goodnight, sweetie.”

”’night, daddy.”

Celine met him in the doorway. What was it now? He knew he’d forgotten, but he was sure she’d remind him.

”I have your dinner waiting for you downstairs. Come on. I’d like to get started as soon as possible. Better make the most of it, now that the kids are – almost – asleep.”

Joe didn’t feel hungry, though he knew he’d missed lunch and couldn’t recall having anything more than a sandwich, that he’d devoured more or less on his feet. Much earlier. Around 11? Vera had been feeling peckish and he’d learned to grab something on the go when he had the chance.

In any case, Celine didn’t wait for a reply. Quietly, they made their way downstairs.

Fifteen minutes later, Joe was led to the spare room, which apparently needed clearing out. He was sure Celine had told him why, but at the moment he couldn’t recall what her reason was. It was easier just to get it over with. He knew from experience, that it was no use trying to postpone anything Celine had decided on.

For a while, he and the team were swamped with three different cases that dragged on endlessly. One of them was particularly distressing with two young children as victims and in the end, it turned out their own mother had killed them for some reason no sane person could understand. The first of the other two was apparently somehow personal for Vera, but even though she usually confided in Joe, this time, his questions couldn’t make her share her reasons for feeling that way. She could be very close-lipped when she chose to. Even though she probably thought otherwise, so could he. If she didn’t want to tell him, she didn’t. He had to respect that.

By the time they’d solved the Craddock case with the two murdered children, Joe thought pressure would ease off, but instead they were given two gang-related killings and a possible hate crime, since the victim was Asian. On top of that, they still had to continue investigating their earlier case, with a series of murdered pensioners. Was it the work of a serial killer or was it simply a matter of chance similarities? At the moment, Joe felt far from brilliant, but at least he could rely on Vera’s sharp mind to point out important points and Kenny and the others did most of the leg work. Could Vera tell that his mind was only half on his work? He smiled wryly, wondering where the other half was, because he was only half focused on Celine and the children too. Oh. Half and half made a whole, but he couldn’t help thinking that perhaps he was only a quarter focused on each part of his life. As for the rest –

That evening, he and Celine ended up arguing about something. He still had no idea how it had started or what he’d done to offend her. It seemed to him that one second they were in agreement, at least she was, then suddenly, all hell broke loose.

On top of that, he ended up in a stupid argument with Kenny over something so stupid Joe was surprised even Kenny could be bothered to make something of it. Despite that, they almost came to blows. When Vera’s sharp voice cut through their petty squabble, Joe felt his cheeks flood with colour. It was like that time in primary school when – What was he thinking letting her down like this? But it was Kenny’s fault, at least he was sure of that. Surely Vera could see that? But it seemed she was glaring far more at him, than at the old fool. Typical. She expected more from him, than that old incompetent fool. He should have –

”I’m sorry. I didn’t -”

This time, it seemed he’d really offended her, because Vera brushed past him into her office and closed the door behind her. Joe swore under his breath. If only he could have just a day off so he could collect his thoughts – Just one day. Just a half day even.

But work kept him in the office until close to eleven in the evening, and once he’d returned to Celine – and a quiet house filled with accusations – he only managed to get an hour and a half of sleep before Kenny – always Kenny – rang and told him another old man had been found battered to death in his home. It wasn’t fair. Since Kenny sounded wide awake, couldn’t he just have – But it was useless. Vera expected him so he’d go.

By the time they’d finished questioning the old man’s neighbours and next of kin, it was already seven in the morning. No point in returning to bed. Joe had a shower and a shave in the locker room, then had three large cups of coffee, but still felt as if he hadn’t slept in over a week.

”Is the baby keeping you up until all hours?”

”What?”

Vera pointed at his face.

”A lad your age shouldn’t have bags like that under his eyes. I said, is the baby keeping you up at night?”

The baby. Work. Quarrelling.

He shrugged. What could he say? At the moment, it seemed everything kept him from sleeping.

That evening some of the others were going out for beers. Since Vera didn’t seem to need him, Joe decided he needed a break. Though he knew far too well, how Celine would feel about it, he ignored the trouble to come and just went with the guys. Just one beer. He’d just stay for half an hour.

But somehow he seemed to have lost track of time and when the others began to drift off, one by one, he couldn’t bring himself to go home. There was a hollow feeling at the pit of his stomach. Not again –

But despite his misgivings and the clenching of his jaws, he got in a taxi and gave the address to a bar he’d never intended to go to again. It was as if he was watching himself from the outside, having no control over his actions.

For the first few minutes, he kept his eyes firmly on his beer, but eventually he gave in to the inevitable and began to peruse the room. He felt someone’s hot gaze rake his face and tensed up.

It was around 3 am that Joe stumbled out of the taxi outside his house. He fumbled in his pocket for the key and after only one try managed to unlock the door. The house was unnervingly quiet. He could sense Celine’s anger. He hadn’t even bothered opening her five angry texts. Somehow, he’d make it up to her.

Gingerly, he undressed and went to lie down on the sofa in the living room. There were still no sounds from the sleeping house. Good. He couldn’t deal with Celine right now. He turned over, facing the back of the sofa, wincing slightly when he put his weight on his side. At least now his head was clear. He knew he’d be able to sleep for a few hours. Tomorrow, he’d be alright.

He woke up around six am the following morning, Celine standing over him with a hard-to-read look on her face.

”So that’s where you ended up. I didn’t hear you come in. When did you come in?”

He couldn’t even read her tone.

”I don’t know. Around 3 maybe.”

”I don’t suppose it’s any use asking where you were.”

Again that toneless voice. He couldn’t pick up anything of her emotions, but it didn’t take a genius to guess what she was thinking. And of course she was right. He had been irresponsible.

”I went out with the lads to have a few beers.”

”I see. Were you celebrating closing some big case?”

”No, quite the opposite really. We’re completely swamped with work so we just needed a break.”

”Alright. There’s breakfast in the kitchen if you want it.”

He made a huge effort to appear untroubled as he got up, but his body was aching in so many places he’d lost track of them.

”Thanks. I’ll just – ”

He pointed towards the bathroom but Celine was already retreating towards the kitchen.

Gazing critically over his face, he was relieved to find that there was no bruising there. He studied his hands and wrists too. Nothing. Good. He had been clear about that, but that was never any guarantee. Knowing from experience it was no use looking too closely at the rest of his body, he hastily shaved and brushed his teeth.

Twenty minutes later he was on his way to work. Strangely enough, he felt more rested than the day before. Determinedly, he put last night out of his mind, prepared to give Vera and the cases his full attention.

About a month later, Celine called Joe at work, sounding alarmed and worried. He instantly tensed up.

”It’s Jessie – she’s running a temperature and – It’s probably nothing but I’m taking her to the clinic. Are you coming?”

”Of course. I’ll be right there.”

If Celine was taking Jessie to the clinic, he suspected it wasn’t nothing. He ran out the door, forgetting to let Vera know. It wasn’t until she blocked his path that he became aware of her presence and was able to avoid a collision.

”Where are you going in such a hurry, pet?”

”It’s Jessie – Celine called and -”

Vera studied his face and read him correctly.

”Alright. I’ll drive you.”

”You don’t have to -”

”We’re wasting time. Kenny – you talk to the son. And the rest of you – you know what to do.”

Vera didn’t just drop him off outside the clinic, she followed him inside. Though it was annoying, it also made him feel safe. He knew he could always count on her.

Jessie was already in with the doctor, but Celine was waiting outside with the younger children. When Joe arrived, she got up, and pressed the baby into his arms.

”I’m going in to be with Jessie.”

Joe sank down on the bench, clutching the baby to his chest. He heard, rather than saw Vera’s steps receding, then returning. She glanced uncertainly at him holding a cup of coffee in her hand.

Since his son was now pressed up against him, Joe couldn’t accept the cup so he nodded at Vera to take it herself, which she did.

Joe tried glancing at his watch, surreptitiously, but had no idea when he’d arrived, so he had no way of guessing how long he’d been sitting there. It felt as if it was taking too long. Twice Vera received phone calls and she wandered off to take them. Apparently, it was nothing of immediate urgency, because she stayed.

When the boy began to get restless, Vera made a heroic effort to quiet him, by offering him a Snickers bar. Fortunately, it was a success and the little boy spent the next fifteen minutes so close to Vera, Joe could tell she was getting nervous. It was obvious the child was hoping for another snack. In the end, he gave up and sat down next to his father, leaning on his arm.

By the time Joe was wondering if he should take the children back home, and call his mother-in-law, the door Celine had passed through opened. Someone he assumed was a doctor stepped out. She searched around the room then made eye contact with Joe.

”Are you Jessie’s father?”

”Yes.”

He glanced down at his younger children, relieved to see that they were fast asleep.

”Your daughter has meningitis. I have started her on a treatment of antibiotics.”

”How -”

Joe’s voice trailed off and he hated the way he sounded. Like a little boy.

”How bad is it?”

”We’re doing all we can. Your wife brought Jessie in early. She’s a strong, healthy girl. I’d say we have cause to be optimistic.”

Joe barely remembered Vera taking him and the children back to the house. He was surprised to find that his mother-in-law was already there and ready to take over the children. Afterwards he had vague memories of Vera making sure he had some sickeningly sweet tea and something to eat – he had the impression it was a biscuit filled with some red jam. There was also a sandwich but he had no idea if he’d finished either biscuit or sandwich. Soon he was on his way back to the hospital, clutching a bag that turned out to contain overnight things for Celine and himself. Apparently, one of the older women had seen to that while he was hunched over his tea cup.

After delivering Joe to his wife, Vera returned to the office to keep an eye on Kenny and the others. They’d have to work twice as hard without Joe, or so it felt.

Over the following weeks, Vera didn’t see much of Joe, but after the first three or four days, the news was consistently good. Jessie kept getting better. To Joe it felt as if he didn’t sleep a wink in three weeks’ time. Even later, when Jessie was back home and her mother and grandmother took turns looking after her, Joe was still pressed into service watching the little ones, going shopping and once in a while, filling and emptying the washing machine.

But as soon as Jessie was out of danger, he was back at work, for at least a few hours per day. His brain felt as if it was working overtime. Not even in the evening, when all the children were asleep and his mother-in-law was back home again, did he stop thinking about all the cases that were still open. He kept trying to put the facts together, only just missing a pattern that was only just out of reach. It was hardly any consolation that even Vera seemed to be stumped, at least by one of the cases – the one with the murdered elderly people.

Determined to make up for lost time, Joe began spending even longer hours at work. Normally, Vera would keep an eye on him and make sure he didn’t overwork himself, but this time, it seemed she needed him.

At last they caught a break, and Kenny of all people stumbled across a lead to the killer targeting the elderly. Each time they ran across a new madman, Joe thought he’d heard the most crazy motivations, but every time, he realized there was no end to the rationalizations and insane impulses that impelled people to kill each other. The lead was interesting, but it still didn’t solve the case.

And on top of that, they still had two other open cases, both gang-related. When Vera finally called it a day, Joe felt as if his mind was numb from going over all possible leads. Stealing a moment to himself in the men’s locker room, Joe was dismayed to see his hands shaking. He sat down abruptly on one of the benches, burying his face in his hands. Not again. Not now. Not after what had almost happened to Jessie.

On Friday night, he found himself going to the same bar again, filled with self-loathing. He’d lied to Vera, saying something about getting home early to Celine (though early was hardly the word, at nine thirty in the evening), then phoning Celine to tell her Vera needed him at work.

He picked the one that looked toughest, like he always did. No point in doing things by half. But when they got to the guy’s place, he began to think he might have made a mistake. There was another one, so like the first one, it could have been his brother. He wouldn’t put anything past these people, but he wasn’t in the mood to speculate. All he wanted was to get it over with. Fast. It was rare for him to actually think while it lasted, but with two, it was even rougher than usual and he found himself jolted out of his daze a few times, worrying what Celine would think, what Vera would think when they saw the bruises. He opened his mouth to say ‘not on the face’, but was instantly cut off. It didn’t really matter anyway, he’d think of something to explain it away. He always did.

A few hours later he made his way into the street. Did he have his phone? Yes, it was still in his pocket. As he was pressing the first keys to send for a cab, he hesitated. He had no idea what he looked like. Should he take the chance of exposing his face to a cab driver? And could he even go back to Celine looking like this? His instincts were screaming no. He’d go to work. But it was too far to walk. Sod it. He had to get a cab. He wasn’t even sure exactly where he was. So he punched in the keys and after coughing to clear his throat, was able to give directions. At the last moment, he’d caught sight of a street sign. The cab took its time arriving, but fortunately it was still early. Only a few minutes past five. At last the cab slowed down and the guy let him in. Joe slid into the backseat and tried to growl the address without meeting the guy’s eyes. It was an elderly Asian man, who didn’t seem too inquisitive.

Once inside and past the desk sergeant, Joe paused and took a deep breath. The night shift would be leaving soon and at this time, they’d probably be slumped over their coffee cups or still out on a job. He’d have at least half an hour until the day shift arrived. Trying to recall if he had a change of clothes in his locker, he made his way to the locker room. He had to have a shower before the others arrived. There was a dull ache pounding more or less all over, but that was fine, it was exactly what he needed. It was over for now. He’d be able to focus again.

When he caught sight of his own face in the mirror, he winced. He’d need a better cover story than usual. No workout-related injuries would leave him looking like this. His mind, sluggish at best, at this hour, got to work trying to figure out a likely story to explain why he looked like a boxer had used his face like a punch bag. He didn’t want to look down on his body, but he knew that if the rest was as bad, he’d never be able to get undressed and get into bed with Celine, without her reacting.

Damn. He’d been wrong to go with that guy, but how could he have known that? This time, he’d need to invent some perps who had spotted him on his way back and recognized him as a cop. He’d need to file a false report for assault. And he’d better make his story damned good, or Vera would see through him and wonder what he was doing.

But before anything else he’d get that shower. He didn’t mind the pain, he relished it, it was not being clean that got to him. Before anyone else caught sight of him he’d wash himself clean of those two bastards. Suddenly, he was on his knees over the toilet bowl, retching. Unsteadily, he forced himself up and into the shower. Mercilessly, he scrubbed himself raw, ignoring the throbbing in the bruises. Finally. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he stepped back into the locker room.

“What happened to you?”

Shit. Kenny. The last person he wanted to see right now, except for Vera, and at least she never showed up in the men’s locker room like this. He prayed his voice sounded as normal as could be expected under the circumstances.

“Yeah, thank you for noticing. I ran into two perps on the way back last night. Apparently, they recognized me.”

“Bloody hell. That looks painful. Have you filed the report yet?”

“I was just about to.”

It occurred to him that he’d need to finger some known perps or no one would ever believe that they’d recognized him. Or at least when they didn’t find the men, someone was bound to wonder. Damn. This kept getting more complicated. Fortunately, he recalled two bank robbers he’d put away last spring. They had threatened both him and Vera during the trial, and he knew they’d just been released on parole only a few weeks earlier. A bit unfair on them, but he remembered their exact wording, as they threatened Vera. They’d cut her face, stomp on her fingers – Oh, they deserved whatever was coming to them alright.

Now that Kenny had disappeared Joe hastily put on his clothes, noting that the pain was getting worse. He had trouble getting the shirt over his shoulders and each time he bumped his leg against the bench, he had to bite down on a moan. This was exactly what he’d been after, but he couldn’t help thinking he might have overdone it this time.

He had barely had time to put on his jacket and was clumsily working on his tie, when Vera burst through the door. He should have known that Kenny would run to the gov and tell her everything.

”What’s happened to you, pet? Let me look at you.”

Very gently she put her fingers under his chin and tilted his face up for her inspection .Joe tried hard not to flinch or look away, though it felt as if Vera’s eyes were undressing him, cutting through skin and muscles to see all the way into his secrets. In the end, Joe broke eye contact. He even felt a touch of heat on his cheeks.

”Tell me what happened.”

She put her arm around his shoulders and led him into her office. At least that gained him a minute or two to get his story straight.

In the end, he felt he’d managed it pretty well. He slumped down, gingerly touching one of the bruises on his cheek.

”That’s it. You’re going home. We’ll take it from here. Go to bed. Get some rest. But first we’ll have you checked out at the clinic.”

Joe felt his eyes shoot open. No. Not that. Not a doctor. If they were to suspect –

”No, really, that’s not necessary. I’ll be fine.”

He was cut off by a bout of coughing. Damn. Bad timing.

”Even if that’s true – we still need to document your injuries, pet.”

”I don’t -”

”No, not another word. Let’s have Billy take a look at you, then he can take some photos. Then you go home and go to bed. Alright?”

He was about to protest again, but bit off his words. Vera was his superior. If he kept protesting, she was bound to suspect something. And Billy was hardly going to subject him to an invasive physical checkup. He’d look him over with an eye to documenting the injuries, nothing more. Though the last thing he wanted was to undress again, he realized he didn’t have any choice.

”Right. I’ll go see him right away.”

”Good lad.”

Vera’s hand hovered uncertainly over his cheek, then dropped down by her side, without quite making contact.

”Look after yourself, Joe.”

”Thanks. I will.”

Vera followed him outside, then closed the door behind him. When Joe had disappeared from view she sat down heavily in her seat. She was almost sure she was imagining the twinges in her left arm. Joe’s story had been consistent and she vividly recalled the two men and their threats during their trial last spring. The only problem was she knew Joe was lying. She knew her boy too well to get taken in by this – obvious lie. Kenny would fall for it, sure enough. Billy too, naturally. Joe was good, even at lying. The question was, why was he lying? Could he have been blackmailed? Was someone threatening his family? Or her, Vera? Because she’d been pretty sure even at the time, that those two bank robbers were all talk. She’d never lost any sleep over them coming to cut her face or break her fingers. Not even over the threats to Joe, because she’d known all along they’d never carry them out.

That night, Vera sat up until the early hours of the morning, pondering what she’d just learned about Joe. It became clear to her that if he was lying to her about it, she’d have to find the truth some other way. She let her mind wander, like she did when trying to solve a case, covering the years she’d been working with Joe. Something was tugging at the back of her mind. Wasn’t Joe a little – accident prone? Looking back, she seemed to recall that Joe occasionally had suffered some injuries during workouts or even on the job. She recalled one time when a suspect had knocked him out. At the time, she’d put his indisposal down to that single punch, but now, viewing the memory in a new light, it occurred to her that he’d seemed far worse off than one single punch could account for.

Of course, she’d had her share of drunken disorderly suspects pushing her about. It wasn’t unusual. She remembered once when Kenny had fallen on his face, after a vicious female suspect had kicked him in the back. No. As far as Joe was concerned, this wasn’t nearly enough to go on. Even if she was right, why would Joe be so beaten up, if only a couple of times a year or at least every few months or so? She couldn’t imagine Celine being much into domestic abuse. Who else? The children? Absurd. She was too tired. The mother-in-law? Also absurd.

Was it a case of bullying on the job? That thought had never occurred to her so she considered the idea. Then she shrugged. No, Joe was popular at work. She returned to her original thought – blackmail. But again, no one was more honest or hard working than Joe. What could he possibly have to hide? Though it choked her to even consider the idea, she forced herself to take it under consideration. Drugs. Was Joe taking drugs? All her instincts told her no. He was frequently tired. Overworked. So far, she knew she was doing alright. Tired. Overworked. Stressed.

She sighed and decided to go to bed and start over the next day with a fresh mind. It was no use. She wasn’t getting anywhere tonight. Wasn’t it almost as though – no. Impossible. But the thought wouldn’t leave her alone. People who knew her, at least as far as anyone knew her, most likely saw her as an old maid. Inexperienced. Dried up. They wouldn’t be far wrong. But that was just her personal life. On the job, she’d seen it all and then some. Could it be that her boy was – what was the word again? A masochist? Paying someone to beat him?

Somehow, Vera thought she was getting closer. Not quite there, but close. The thought gave her no comfort. If Joe really was in trouble somehow, feeling unwell, as she put it to herself, the situation was worse than she’d feared. Could there even be mental problems behind his situation?

Sternly, she told herself not to let her imagination run away with her. Nonsense. No, Joe wasn’t mentally ill. Even if he was fond of being beaten, he was still her boy. Her sergeant. Family. She wouldn’t judge him. Besides, she was sure she had only just begun to scratch the surface of his problem. She could still be completely wrong.

Hastily, she hung up her robe and went to bed, before she dreamed up any new, ridiculous ideas that only sprang from her overtired mind.

The following morning, she was up early, resolved to back up Joe’s story, even if she knew it was false. She sent Kenny to pick up the two men Joe had named.

Kenny didn’t find them until close to lunch, but by then it was clear that even if they hadn’t been out assaulting a police officer, they were certainly implicated in a number of other crimes. Vera smiled to herself. There would be no trouble at all, getting a conviction, one way or another. In the meantime, she filed Joe’s report, making sure everyone knew she had no doubts about Joe’s story. Everyone was suitably upset that one of their own had been attacked while off duty, by two former prisoners.

At lunch, Vera went to Joe’s house to check on him. She found Celine in a daze. Clearly, Joe’s wife was both shocked and upset by what had happened to her husband and was fussing over him, just like over their convalescing child. Vera thought she could detect a glint of embarrassment in Joe’s eyes, maybe even shame. Even so he submitted to Celines care without a word.

Knowing it would be useless asking Joe what was really going on, Vera contented herself with patting his hand, and handing over a shopping bag full of the sort of unhealthy treats she herself had had to give up. She realized that most of the treats would probably be enthusiastically devoured by the children, but she was hoping Joe would try at least some of it. Considering his condition, she’d thought it best not to include any beer. Again, she thought she could detect a hint of regret in Joe’s eyes. As if he was sorry to have started all this fuss. She would bet he did. If whatever it was, was even close to what she suspected, the last thing he’d want was attention.

”Get plenty of rest now, pet. I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow. Oh, Kenny found your suspects and brought them in. They have certainly been busy since they were released. Possession of stolen goods, possession of controlled substance – you know, the usual.”

”Uh – thanks.”

It looked as if he was going to say more, but thought better of it. His reaction told Vera she was right. There was definitely something else behind his condition. At the moment, though, she knew she was stuck. How could she find out more, if Joe wasn’t talking?

A few days later, Joe was back on the job, his face covered in ugly bruises. Of course it was naive to expect him to stay in bed for more than a day or two. His colleagues were full of sympathy and Joe – continued being evasive and doing his best to put it all behind him.

Vera resigned herself to the thought of waiting. She had always been patient and this was about Joe. She’d wait forever if necessary, but some day, she’d find out the truth and she’d help her boy. Just see if she wouldn’t.

As it happened, the following weeks turned out to be every bit as stressful and intense as earlier, and Joe soon began to show signs of overexertion. Vera sensed this had something to do with whatever Joe was hiding, so she resolved to pay extra attention. She delegated more of the cases than she’d ever done in the past, earning appreciation from all her younger team members, but not without causing herself severe misgivings about the success of the investigations. At least Kenny had proved to be reliable over the past months.

She had decided that she would put Joe under surveillance. It broke her heart to have to do that, but if he wasn’t going to tell her what was wrong, she’d have to find out for herself, one way or another. And since she couldn’t very well let one of his colleagues do the job, she had to do it herself. That way, she could be sure no one found out. So she forced herself to take a few days of sick leave, something she never did, unless she was ill enough to be hospitalized. Reasoning that Joe could hardly get into any trouble at work, or at home, she focused on the times he wasn’t in either place.

For nearly two weeks, Vera discreetly followed Joe around and for all that time, he faithfully split his time between work and his home and family. Towards the end of that time, Vera was beginning to think she was wrong, or that Joe had somehow sensed something. But if she’d learned anything from working as a copper for so long it was following someone without being spotted. And Joe had no reason to suspect anyone was tailing him.

Then one evening, after an especially long work day, Joe did not get in his own car. He left that in the police station parking lot and called a taxi. Vera had time to call one for herself as well. Her own Land Rover was a little too conspicuous under the circumstances.

By the time Joe got out of the taxi, paid the driver and continued on foot, Vera was frowning. Perhaps she’d been wrong about the drugs after all? Joe was heading for the red light district and as far as she knew – Kenny kept her informed about what was going on at work – Joe had no job-related reason to go there tonight. She paid off her own driver and got out of the taxi. Hanging back, she followed Joe with her eyes, then realizing the she’d need to continue on foot, she did, reluctantly. In this area she’d stick out like a sore thumb. Why would a woman her age be here? Too old to sell herself and – Then she recalled the woman who for years had bought drugs for her son. Perhaps – of course, she only needed to keep her presence hidden from Joe. There was no reason she couldn’t go here as a copper. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. This was her area of expertise. She could do this.

In any case, Joe didn’t go far. He turned a corner and followed the next street a few buildings down, then entered, apparently known to the doorman. At least he didn’t have to argue to be allowed inside. It had been at least ten years since Vera had walked the beat and this particular building was new to her, but it didn’t take her long to pick up on the fact that only men were standing in line outside. No women.

A gambling club? No, she was only fooling herself. There could only be one reason these men were here and that had to mean that – But she wasn’t ready to finish that thought just yet, so she just waited, to see what would happen.

It wasn’t a cold night and anyway, when she was on a job, she rarely paid any attention to her creature comforts. Half an hour passed. Forty-five minutes. Not until close to an hour later, did Joe return. He wasn’t alone. The other man was taller than Joe had more muscle. Again, she jumped to the conclusion that this was a drug dealer or a body guard of one, but it didn’t take her long to realize that she was still trying to fool herself. The man was walking so closely to Joe – but that could be because he was holding a gun to Joe, she argued with herself. Joe himself didn’t look at his companion or acknowledged him in any way. Even when the man pressed up against him from behind, it was as if he wasn’t there. The man even leaned over and whispered something in Joe’s ear. That did get a minor reaction. It seemed Joe replied tersely without turning to face his companion.

A few minutes later, they disappeared together in what had to be the other man’s car. Vera decided she’d had enough. This was something she could never in a million years have guessed. She felt old, and stupid and as if she was missing something that should have been clear to her.

It took her almost fifteen minutes to remember that she’d need a ride out of there and that perhaps it wasn’t a good idea for a woman of her age, or indeed a woman of any age to walk alone in this neighbourhood at night. She managed to find a taxi that had just let someone else off and caught a ride back to the station and her Land Rover. It was close to two a m before she was safely at home. She made herself a cup of tea, but forgot to drink it and when she remembered, instead poured herself a drink. Her guilty conscience made her stop before she’d finished the glass, vividly recalling her doctor’s exhortations about her health.

So. It was time to face a few facts. Joe was bisexual. She would never have guessed that. Not after the way she’d seen him look at Celine. Really. She might be inexperienced but she couldn’t believe a man looked at a woman that way and didn’t love her. Even she, a long time ago, had looked at men that way and she knew far too well what that meant. Tonight, Joe had let himself get picked up by a gay man. It was a fact. Yet, he hadn’t looked at the man, touched him or in any way acted as if he was in love with or even attracted to him.

Vera was beginning to think that her discovery didn’t mean as much as she had thought. She was still no further in her quest to understand what Joe’s problem was. Was it drugs after all? Blackmail? No. None of that fit.

She forced her mind away from tonight and instead focused on the photos Billy’s assistant had taken of Joe after the ‘assault’. No assault. She knew that already. Rough sex? Yes, that had to be it. But why? If Joe was a masochist, why not go to a woman? One of those – Vera tried and failed to come up with the word for such a woman. Someone who whipped men for pay. She’d met such women too, earlier in her career. Some had been educated, cultured women who she’d never have suspected of earning a living as a prostitute. But she couldn’t let her mind wander. She needed to focus on Joe and his problem, not memories of her years as a copper.

No, she still didn’t get it. There was still something she was missing. Even if she knew a little more. The bruises and cuts on Joe’s body came from rough sex. Gay sex. And that didn’t make sense, if anything she knew about Joe was true. She had to face it, she wasn’t going to get any further tonight.

With a sigh, she poured out the rest of her drink and the cold tea, before going to bed. Tomorrow, she rather thought she’d be well enough to go back to work and if so, she’d need a few hours of sleep.

As she was making her morning tea, it hit her that perhaps she needed help. She needed to ask someone who knew more about emotional or psychological conundrums. A psychologist. Why hadn’t she thought of that before? They’d consulted clinical psychologists before in connection with some of their cases. Psychologists were like doctors, weren’t they? Any information they received about a patient was classified or privileged, wasn’t it?

Satisfied that she had, after all, made some progress, Vera got ready for work. She’d already been gone for too long. As always when she was away, she missed her work.

She looked through her files and found a name of a psychologist she vaguely remembered. Helen something or other. Yes, Helen Jacobs. She called her number and was told that Doctor Jacobs was in America and wouldn’t be back until next term. The helpful secretary put her in touch with the colleague who was filling in for her in her absence. A Dr Samuel Drake. The voice on the other end of the line was pleasant and sounded – reasonable. Some academics Vera had been in touch with had been bloody fools. This man sounded promising. She thought she’d like him. He was able to fit her in that afternoon, right after lunch. Vera decided to accept. There was no time to lose. She saw Joe come in, this time without the bruises on his face, but although it might have been her imagination, knowing what she now did, he did seem tense and was moving more slowly and hesitantly than usual, as if he was trying to cover his reaction to the pain of more of those bruises, only covered by his clothing.

She waved amiably to Joe and spoke to him for a few minutes, feeling vaguely guilty both for the violation of his privacy and her deception now. But she forced down the feeling and sent him out to interview a witness. Then she sent Kenny on a search related to the same case. Everyone seemed to know what they were doing, so she decided to leave them to it, if only for today. Tomorrow she would give everything her full attention again. It was probably good for her team to take a little responsibility of their own.

After a sandwich with rather too much lettuce for Vera’s taste (doctor’s orders) she went out to the university. The instructions she’d received on the telephone took her to the right department, but there she was forced to ask again. Again, a very helpful secretary pointed her in the right direction.

A few minutes after two, she was standing outside the professor’s door, hesitating with her hand raised to knock. She pulled back when the door swung open. A young woman clutching a file and a pile of papers almost ran into her. Her backpack almost caught Vera in the face, before she had the presence of mind to step back. The young woman noticed her and hastily apologized, then hurried away, clearly intent on her studies.

”Professor Drake?”

”Doctor Drake, but professor will do. And you are the Detective Chief Inspector I spoke to earlier, I presume?”

The professor – doctor – or whatever he called himself was tall, thin and rather handsome, but most of all, he had the looks of a man who was honest and serious and Vera immediately liked him. He seemed to be about her own age.

”Yes, Vera Stanhope.”

”Pleased to meet you.”

He held out his hand and after a second’s hesitation, Vera took it. It felt strong and solid and dry. She liked her first impressions of him.

”Please, have a seat.”

She found a padded chair that she imagined the young woman she’d met had just vacated and sat down, facing the psychologist’s desk.

”Now what can I do for you?”

Vera hesitated. How was she going to explain her problem to him?

She cleared her throat and began.

”I – assume this information will be treated as a doctor-patient privilege or whatever your term is?”

”Of course. Feel free to confide any information you see as relevant to me. Is this in connection with a crime? Or does it concern you personally?”

She faltered. He didn’t sound inquisitive, but now her train of thought was broken and she had to start again.

”Actually, it concerns a colleague of mine. I’m – he’s my sergeant and lately I’ve begun to observe a worrying behaviour pattern that has been puzzling me. To be honest I – well, I’m concerned about him.”

”Go on.”

To begin with, she had to search for each word, but as she went on with her narrative, it became easier and once she’d finished, she felt as if she’d managed to make herself clear.

The psychologist nodded pensively. He didn’t say anything for so long, Vera was beginning to fear that she hadn’t made herself clear after all. But she needn’t have worried. Doctor Drake nodded again and began.

”I see. Interesting. And you’ve known this young man for several years?”

”Yes.”

”Well, what stands out is the degree of violence. That has to be significant. Of course, regardless of how much this man loves his wife, he may be bisexual, but you find it difficult to believe that he’s simply having an affair. At the moment, I’ll take your word for that. Later – perhaps I’ll be able to form my own opinion about him and his – state of mind. Yes, it’s the violence that is the key, I believe.”

”And you don’t think there are any drugs involved or – blackmail?”

”At this stage, I can’t say anything about that, but I would expect you and your colleagues to spot any signs of drug abuse, am I right?”

Vera nodded.

”Exactly. Blackmail? Of course, that would be a very convenient explanation, wouldn’t it? Again, I can’t say this early on, but if I were to hazard a guess, I’d say that would be too simple. No, I think we need to base our assumption on this young man entering into any – physical relations – of his own free will. As much as free will comes into any of our lives, naturally.”

Vera blinked. She wasn’t used to this type of conversation. The psychologists they’d consulted in the past had limited themselves to profiles of potential killers. White male 20-40 – that sort of thing. But surely this man was saying that Joe had chosen to have sex with these men?

”Alright. But why? Why would he want to do that?”

”Again, it’s too early to say, but at a guess, I’d say this is a bit more complex than just a homosexual affair.”

”So – what do you do now?”

”I’d like to meet this young man face to face, if we could arrange that.”

”Uh – yes. I’m not sure how we could do that – I’ll have to think about it. I suppose – have you heard about the series of unexplained deaths of elderly people that have occurred over the past three months or so?”

”Yes, the pensioner killer or whatever it is the tabloids are calling him.”

”I have to admit that we’re – at the moment – a bit – stuck – to be honest. In the past we’ve consulted your colleage Helen Jacobs about other cases, so perhaps -”

”I’d be delighted to try my hand at that case, if you like.”

”Good. Then perhaps we’ll be able to arrange a meeting tomorrow some time? I’ll have the relevant files sent over.”

”I’ll clear my desk.”

”Thank you.”

A few minutes later, Vera was standing outside in the corridor, dodging students and their backpacks, feeling a little flustered. The truth was she was getting a little uncomfortable. She had just realized that she was looking forward to seeing Dr Drake. Perhaps a little too much. Her accustomed reaction in cases like this was to back off and take cover. This time, she couldn’t do that, not if she wanted to help Joe. So, she’d just see the doctor and focus on the case and on Joe. She could do that.

After lunch the next day, Doctor Drake rang Vera to discuss the case. He had a few insights already, but what he really wanted was to make an appointment to be able to see Joe. Vera wanted that too, but she was concerned that Joe might suspect something. Doctor Drake reassured her that he wouldn’t give himself away and would merely discuss the current case with her sergeant. There were plenty of insights that could be gained from seeing and speaking to a patient, even about matters other than his case.

Vera called a meeting for that afternoon around three and to her relief Joe would be able to attend. So would Kenny and a few of the others more directly involved in the ‘pensioner’ case.

To start off the meeting, she addressed her team, then let Doctor Drake take over. She was reassured to see that he seemed to get along fine with her people and was able to suggest new avenues of investigation. Quite apart from Joe’s problem, she wanted the case solved, so no more elderly people would be killed on her watch.

After the meeting was closed, she asked Joe to stick around. She had thought of a few assignments for him that would keep him close to her and the station the next few days.

Doctor Drake – Sam – as he insisted on being called, chatted amiably with Joe and Vera and she had to admit that he had a way of putting her at ease. Usually, around a new man that she felt attracted to, she’d be shy and tongue-tied as in her youth. With this man, she had no trouble at all, relaxing and chatting almost as if he were an old friend. Joe seemed relatively relaxed as well.

Vera dismissed Joe early and sent him home to his family, eager to hear some of Sam’s insights.

With Joe out of the way, Vera turned expectantly to Sam, who surprised her with a suggestion of a different nature.

”Would it be possible to meet over dinner?”

”What? Now? You and I?”

Sam smiled disarmingly.

”If you have time. I thought – you know, away from the station and any potential eavesdroppers.”

”Oh, right. Yes, of course. No, I don’t have any plans for this evening.”

”Excellent. If you have any suggestion -?”

Vera blushed slightly, recalling the cheap diners she usually frequented and shook her head.

”Right. Are you fond of Italian food?”

”Well – yes.”

The restaurant turned out to be very nice and not at all intimidating, while the food was excellent. She murmured something about her diet and found that Sam was very understanding. They both ordered salads, then a pasta dish without any of the ingredients her doctor had warned her about. Surprisingly, it was delicious anyway. After a brief struggle with her conscience, she ordered mineral water with her dish, something that would have surprised Joe and the rest of the team. She didn’t even want to imagine what Kenny would have to say about her choice, but Kenny wasn’t here. Sam didn’t seem to mind and in fact ordered the same with his meal.

Once they’d finished, and the staff had cleared away the dishes, Sam smiled pleasantly. Vera felt a stirring of curiosity. What would he have to say about Joe?

”Dessert?”

That wasn’t what she’d expected him to say, but she had to admit it was nice to be asked. And above all to have time to consider her options, before rushing off to the next job.

”Um – well – if my doctor would approve -”

Immediately, she felt like a fool. Normally, she loved desserts, unhealthy or not.

”I’m sure we’ll be able to find something suitable. What about that?”

He pointed at the menu at something that mainly seemed to consist of cherries. Vera liked cherries and decided to take a chance. She wasn’t disappointed. And even before she’d finished her dessert, Sam pushed back his plate and cleared his throat.

”I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you. At the moment, I don’t really have anything more to offer than I have already told you. However, I’m increasingly certain that my initial hypothesis stands. The violence is the key. For some reason, your young man craves the violence. It may be as simple as that – but as you’ve no doubt already considered – why men? Unless of course, your sergeant has been struggling with his sexuality all along.”

”If so, I can’t say that I’ve noticed, but then – would I? We’re close, but we certainly don’t discuss such personal matters.”

Thoughts of her own single state at her advanced age flew through her mind and she feared that her cheeks had taken on colour. If so, Sam didn’t give any indication that he’d noticed.

”Quite. You mentioned that Sergeant Ashworth seems to be very much in love with his wife. I’m sure you’d notice if he wasn’t, which quite weakens the theory of a struggle with his sexuality. Even if he’s bisexual, which, as I may have mentioned before, most people are, he wouldn’t be particularly bothered if he’s happy in his relationship. I believe there seems to be a pattern to his behaviour – these encounters take place during times of higher than average activity. Overwork, a child that is ill – So stress brings on an incident. I’d say that’s significant too.”

Of course. Odd though. If anything she might have imagined him turning to some sort of risky behaviour during periods of lower than average work load.

It seemed Sam had said all he had to say about Joe and the case, but to Vera’s surprise he continued chatting with her for close to another hour. To her astonishment, she found herself enjoying their conversation. She felt at ease, as she rarely did, with anyone other than Joe and other members of her team. Before she could stop herself, she found herself confiding in Sam about her mother’s death and her feelings of abandonment after the way her father had neglected her.

Sam, on the other hand, told her about losing both his parents in his early teens and being raised by an unmarried uncle who, while kind, was hardly suited to taking care of a child. He also described his years in school, where he had suffered some bullying, but more isolation, as an outsider. His account of how he’d chosen psychology as his field out of a wish to help other people through times of crisis touched her. She’d never have put it like that herself, but she had, if not chosen her profession for that reason, found herself content with her job, because she was able to give victims justice. Haltingly, she tried to express herself about her own feelings about her profession, and found that Sam seemed to understand and be able to relate to her reasons.

She arrived home over an hour later, feeling a strange mix of panic and contentment. As usual, she wanted to stay far away from an attractive man like Sam, but confusingly, she also found herself looking forward to seeing him again. She shook off her feelings about Sam and began to consider what he’d told her about Joe. Stress. Pain. Unfortunately, she still didn’t understand.

She shook her head sadly.

What are you doing to yourself, Joe?

It was late, and she was tired so she decided to let go of all thoughts of Joe and Sam for the night.

Things moved quickly from then on. At least as far as the case was concerned. Sam’s insights had apparently been more helpful than they’d first seemed, because before the end of the week, they’d found their killer and was able to put a stop to her. In retrospect, she had to admit that it all made sense. She was surprised, she hadn’t thought of this woman before. At least no more elderly people had had to die.

It turned out she was in for another type of surprise, one that concerned her own personal life. Once they’d caught their killer, the whole team, including Sam, went out to celebrate. When her team moved on to a pub, she and Sam stayed on at the restaurant and again, she found that the conversation flowed freely and she felt comfortable in his company.

When he walked her to her car, he even bent down and placed a very chaste peck on her cheek. Even more surprisingly, she found she didn’t mind. It didn’t make her uncomfortable. In fact she wouldn’t have minded – but there her mind shut down. No. Not for her. It was too late. She was too old.

For some reason, she didn’t think of any excuses not to see Sam. At the end of the following week, she was stunned to realize that she’d met Sam – privately – after work – three times that week. On Friday evening somehow she was able to squash her misgivings and asked Sam back to her house for a nightcap.

On Saturday morning, for the first time in more than twenty years, Vera woke with someone else beside her in bed. The first few minutes after she came awake, she felt disoriented, wondering where she was and who was lying next to her, spreading a lovely warmth in the early hours of the morning.

Sam didn’t seem to share her mixed emotions and smiled warmly at her.

”Good morning.”

”Good morning.”

He pushed the hair out of her eyes and pressed his lips against hers. She found herself relaxing and returning the kiss.

Sam spent the rest of the weekend at her house, only returning to his own home early on Monday morning. Vera was completely unprepared for the feeling of comfort. Her dinners with Joe were just as pleasant, but this was different. She found herself looking forward to Sam’s next visit.

It occurred to her that even if she wasn’t obliged to update her whole team about her personal life, she did rather feel as if she ought to confide in Joe. She ignored a little twinge of pain that Joe had been going through this – strange problem – for years, without even hinting to her that he had a problem. But that was irrelevant. She would find a way of at least hinting to him that she was seeing someone. He was family.

Sam had the idea that since they were now officially seeing each other, he might be able to get a little closer to Joe. Vera nodded pensively. Perhaps that would help.

On Wednesday, Vera felt a little dizzy and was forced to see her doctor. Sam drove her to the hospital. When Joe heard, he came too and when Vera was dismissed, she found him sitting in the waiting room next to Sam, chatting seemingly relaxedly. She was hoping that would provide new insights.

Both men looked up and anxiously scanned her face.

”How did it go?”

Vera, as usual, was tempted to smooth things over, but since her doctor had actually had encouraging news, there was no reason why she shouldn’t tell them.

”In fact, I’m doing a bit better. This was just a temporary setback.”

She avoided mentioning the doctor’s suggestion that she slow down a bit. Not a chance. Her work was her life – or close enough. Now that she had Joe and – Sam – perhaps that wasn’t quite true anymore. Even so, slowing down was out of the question. She was old, but not that old.

Sam took Vera straight home and dropped her off there. He had an early lecture the following morning, but promised he’d be back in the evening. In the meantime, Vera drove herself back to work. One of the gang-related cases still needed more investigation before they were even close to solving it.

Joe had been stunned, but pleased to find that Vera – Vera! – was seeing a man. He’d heard Kenny and the others talking about her, and with him present, no one had sounded disrespectful, but no one had even imagined that Vera had been involved with a man for at least ten years.

Joe knew about her former partners, the man who had died – and even though no one had come out and said it – he was pretty sure Vera had been involved with him. And the other one, that he’d encountered during one of their earlier cases – Joe was sure that Vera had been in love with him. She’d been hurt when she realized he’d been divorced for years and still not thought to get in touch. He’d resented the man for that, if nothing else. Why couldn’t he have looked Vera up and if the spark was still there, started seeing her? At the moment, he ignored the fact that the case had ended badly for the man and the relationship, if there had been one, would have ended in heartbreak for Vera.

He was only a little surprised when Sam asked him out for a drink on Thursday evening, after work.

As they were sipping their drinks, Sam made eye contact, looking so solemn, Joe was beginning to worry that there had been other news about Vera’s health. Not that she wouldn’t have told him, he tried to tell himself, but still –

”You may think me silly or overprotective – but I’m a little concerned about Vera’s reaction to her angina. She’s having a bit of trouble dealing with her health condition, as you must have noticed. And since you know her better than anyone else – am I right? – I thought you might have something to suggest. I mean, about how to make her feel more comfortable with the situation.”

Joe hesitated. This wasn’t what he’d expected. If anything, he’d been slightly amused at what he’d assumed was the older man’s tactful inquiry about whether Vera’s ‘surrogate son’ would accept her new friend. This – of course it made sense. Naturally they were both concerned about Vera’s state of mind. On the other hand, Joe was thinking she’d become better at accepting her new diet. If you’d known Vera as long as he had, you’d know how absolutely stunning that was. Vera eating a salad? Vera cutting back on her drinking?

”Well, I think she’s actually beginning to adjust but I suppose there’s more that needs to be done. You’d know. I mean, being a psychologist.”

Sam laughed dryly.

”Quite.”

”The problem is, though her doctor has given her instructions, she only tells me what she likes. Besides, even if I could take a look at her diet list, it won’t be that easy to make her follow it.”

”Yes. I was afraid of that. I was just hoping – It’s obvious that you two are very close. I was hoping she might have confided in you.”

”Well, she has. A bit. I assume she’s talking to you too.”

”Quite. And naturally, you have enough on your plate with your family and so on.”

Joe shrugged, then nodded.

Sam left the topic and began to chat about more general topics. Joe found himself relaxing. He was surprised to realize that he actually liked Vera’s new friend. A few months ago, he would never have guessed that Vera would find someone. Not after all these years. Naturally, he was pleased. He’d often worried about Vera sitting alone in that house.

Over the following weeks, Sam occasionally asked Joe out for drinks. Once in a while, when he had a little time, Joe asked Sam. Mostly though, they spent time with Vera.

Joe was relieved to be able to leave Vera in Sam’s hands, when he had family obligations. In the past, he’d frequently felt torn between the women in his life. With Sam around, he felt better about going home early.

After a few weeks, Sam began to confide in Joe about his own personal life. Joe found himself relaxing and sharing a little about his family life.

One evening, Vera invited them both over for dinner and since Celine was visiting her mother and had taken the children, Joe decided to accept.

With his family away, Joe found he could relax and he was actually enjoying dinner. He felt he’d been getting to know Sam better and was comfortable chatting with him. And naturally he was almost always comfortable with Vera. It was also quite pleasant watching Vera with Sam. They seemed completely at ease with each other. Sam was such an elegant man, Joe was surprised Vera had fallen for him, but he had to admit they seemed completely compatible. Both were brilliant, for one. Joe was delighted for Vera’s sake.

When they’d finished their salads, Vera retreated to the kitchen to clear away the dishes. She was considering offering her guests some alcohol, even though she herself was drinking a bit less frequently than before. There was a bottle of – Where was it again? Perhaps she ought to serve the dessert first. It was just a simple apple pie. Naturally, she hadn’t made it herself, but she had popped it into the oven and now it looked about done. She’d even remembered to buy a bit of ice cream to go with it. It was one of Joe’s favourite desserts, so she had considered it suitable. Sam too, had told her he liked apple pie.

When she placed the pie dish on the table, she immediately sensed something was wrong. The silence was – somehow aggressive. She studied both men anxiously. Why? What had gone wrong? Joe was clenching his teeth and looked as if he wanted to push back his chair and leave, slamming the door behind him. Sam – looked absorbed in Joe’s reaction. Not a bit remorseful. Had he intentionally provoked Joe to be able to study his reaction?

Vera sensed that Joe didn’t want to explode in front of her, but if she’d waited any longer she had a feeling the two men might have begun to argue openly.

She decided to leave the ice cream in the freezer so she wouldn’t have to leave her guests alone again.

”There.”

There was an awkward pause, then Joe couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

”Did you set Sam on me to pry into my personal life?”

She winced at Joe’s harsh tone. Even though they were close and over the years, they had learned to open up to each other, Joe had never sounded this angry with her. If he criticized her, it was always with good intentions.

”Joe -”

”Answer me.”

”I was worried about you, pet.”

Joe opened and closed his mouth, seemingly at a loss for words. Then something seemed to dawn on him.

”You’ve been spying on me?”

Vera’s look was all the reply he needed. He felt – violated. If Vera knew – Humiliatingly, he felt tears sting his eyes. Oblivious to Sam’s presence – Sam, who unashamedly, listened intently to every word and was studying every expression, every movement, Joe got up and took a step in Vera’s direction.

”All these years – you’ve been keeping this – secret. If you were hurting, why didn’t you -”

All the animation seemed to leave Joe and he sank down on his chair again.

”I didn’t want you to know. If you’d known – what would you have thought of me? You can’t possibly understand. I’m not – It’s not like you think. What – exactly is it you have seen?”

Vera hesitated. It hurt to have to admit that she’d been following him. Keeping her own sergeant under surveillance. And he’d never even been suspected of any crime.

She too, sat down.

”I saw you go to that – club. I saw you leave with that – man.”

Joe’s face lost all trace of colour. Of course he should have realized. What else could it be? He was also uncomfortably aware of Vera having seen the photos of his injuries. Knowing what she knew now, what must she think?

Suddenly, he couldn’t get the words out fast enough. He forgot about his dignity and just blurted out what came into his mind, now utterly unaware of Sam’s discreet, unobtrusive presence.

”I’m not gay. You know I love Celine.”

”Yes, pet. I know you do.”

Vera felt at a loss. Now that she’d finally managed to get Joe to open up, all she wanted was to take her words back. She didn’t want him hurting like this.

”I know what you’re thinking.”

He angrily dabbed at his eyes, to obliterate the tears that were betraying him. At his age. He wasn’t a little boy. Losing control like this in front of Vera was intolerable.

”What am I thinking, love?”

”Why? Why am I doing something so – disgusting? You think I’m insane.”

”No, pet. I’m just sorry you have to go through whatever it is.”

”No. Don’t be. I deserve it.”

Vera heard Sam draw in breath. She didn’t have to be a psychologist to realize that they were getting closer. At least to what Joe saw as being the root of his problem. Perhaps Sam could tell if he was right in his assumption.

”What do you mean? I don’t know anyone who’s a better man, a better husband, a better father.”

”Husband? You think I’m a good husband, when I do this to Celine, again and again?”

”Does she know?”

Joe stared at her as if she was stupid.

”Of course not. She’d kill me. And she’d be right to. But I don’t – I’ve never – I wouldn’t put her and the children at risk. I’m not sick. I – It’s not about the – sex.”

That’s what she sensed too. But what then? Was it just the violence, as Sam believed? But then, why with men? No, she had to admit that she was still more or less lost. There had to be more. At least Joe was opening up to her.

Gingerly she got up and put a hesitant hand on Joe’s shoulder. She wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing. Joe was still pretty upset. But she gently squeezed his shoulder all the while prepared to jump back, if he’d react violently. Not that he would. As it was, he didn’t seem to notice, at least not at first. Encouraged by his lack of reaction, she kept patting his arm and shoulder, until Joe suddenly alarmed her by bursting into tears and leaning into her embrace. It was more or less the first time she’d actually held him like this. Physical contact wasn’t really for her. At least not until Sam.

Awkwardly, she kept holding Joe, until the worst of the sobbing began to subside.

”There. There.”

She felt so helpless and was almost beginning to regret opening up this can of worms. On the other hand, she knew that she couldn’t have allowed Joe to go on hurting like this. And who knew what would happen to him if he kept seeking risky sexual contacts?

Eventually Joe pulled back and hastily wiped at his eyes.

”Damn. I never wanted you to find out. Or anyone.”

”I know, pet. I know. I’m sorry. I was just worried about you.”

Sam cleared his throat and dared to venture a question.

”Joe, I sincerely apologize for my inquisitiveness, but as Vera says, she was worried about you and – I’m concerned as well. Could you tell me why? What is it you’re seeking in these sexual contacts?”

Joe glared at Sam. Clearly he hadn’t forgiven him yet, even if he’d accepted Vera’s interest. Then he met Vera’s gaze and realized she had to wondering too. But what did he know? It was just a compelling need. Something that he couldn’t fight.

When it became apparent that he wasn’t going to reply, Sam had another question for him.

”How long has this been going on?”

Joe made a face. He didn’t want to sit here being interrogated by a man he hadn’t even known a few weeks back, but he realized that it wasn’t just Sam asking, it was Vera. So he resigned himself to at least try answering the intrusive questions.

”The first time I was – 21. I was drunk. When I woke up, I realized that – I knew what had happened, while I was passed out. Not that I remembered much, but – it was obvious.”

”You were raped?”

Sam sounded doubtful, as if this wasn’t what he’d expected.

Joe shrugged. It was obvious that he didn’t want to associate that word with himself.

”Then what? What made you go from being a rape victim to someone actively seeking out gay sexual contacts?”

A strangled noise from Vera told Joe that she too objected to Sam’s choice of words, but he knew that it was too late to hold back now. He’d have a word with Sam afterwards, or maybe not. Right now, he’d consider the question asked by Vera.

”You’re the psychologist. I don’t really know. All I know is I get tired. It’s too much for me and then – I go out and – afterwards I can focus again. I can breathe.”

”Yes, I do see that, but – what is it you’re after? You say that you love your wife.”

”Of course. More than my own life. I’d die for her and the children.”

The minute the words were out of his mouth, he realized how it sounded. He’d sleep with others. Men. But he loved his family. What a joke.

”I see. What about – sexual attraction?”

Joe pressed his lips together. This was going too far. How could he tell this – stranger about his feelings? How could he tell Vera?

”No. Just Celine. And before that other women.”

Sam shot him a challenging look.

”Really?”

He sounded as if he didn’t believe a word he said and Joe felt his temper rising.

”I don’t care what you think. It’s true. What do I have left to lose now?”

”It may be hard to accept certain facts about oneself.”

”I’ve had to accept far more than that.”

”So you maintain you’re not sexually attracted to men?”

Joe knew how it sounded. It was insane. Maybe that was it. He was crazy. But when he remembered details of his experiences over the past few years, his stomach turned. And yet –

”Then what? What’s the attraction? If it’s not the sex?”

Sam sounded far more reasonable now. Encouraging even.

Joe raked his fingers through his hair. Yes. What?

When he finally replied his voice was toneless, and Vera had to struggle to make out the words.

”The pain.”

”So you’re attracted to the pain? Why not women then?”

No. No other woman. Just Celine. He could never do that to her. Again, the bitterness welled up inside him. What a joke. He could cheat on her with men, but not with women.

”I can’t.”

”Yes, but why not?”

The thoughts raced through his mind. Yes, why not?

In the end, he blurted out the first words that came into his mind.

”Because it serves me right.”

”Why?”

Again, the tears welled up in his eyes. He’d never wanted to even think about it again. In the background he sensed Vera making a move towards him, but he couldn’t really focus on that.

”Go on. Try. It might help.”

He rubbed furiously at his eyes, with the back of his hand.

”Because I killed her.”

He was speaking so faintly, Vera had trouble catching the words.

”Who?”

”Hannah. My girlfriend. I had promised I’d be there for her. And the boy. Liam. But my friends invited me to a party. I wasn’t going to stay long, but – time just rushed by and she got tired of waiting. She got in the car and -”

A low moan escaped Joe’s lips, as if the pain was just as raw today, as more than ten years earlier.

”Your girlfriend and her son were killed in an accident?”

Joe nodded, without looking up. Now Vera put her arms around him again and he leaned into the embrace, drained.

”Very good, Joe. I think I see now.”

And it really sounded as if Sam had figured it all out. If she allowed herself to dwell on it, Vera too, felt she’d gained an understanding into Joe’s troubled mind. He was punishing himself? How very odd. She imagined that since he was raped right after the accident, he’d come to associate the two disasters in his mind. He let his girlfriend down, then he was punished by being raped by a man. But how he’d come to crave that sort of punishment again and again, she couldn’t understand. Of course, she’d had a different sort of life. Much pain and sorrow, but nothing like that. But if she’d been raped at such a young age, who knew how it would have affected her?

Now she was wondering what could be done to stop Joe’s self-destructive behaviour. It seemed Sam had been thinking along the same lines.

”Joe, I would like to suggest that you seek help. Talk to a psychologist or counsellor. At least when you feel another stress attack coming on, but I actually believe it would be helpful to go even when you think you’re feeling alright.”

Joe nodded. Why not? If it helped, why shouldn’t he get help? The worst had been telling Vera, nothing else would be quite as bad.

”Alright. Thanks.”

Sam got up and began to stack the dishes.

”And now, I think I’ll help you with the dishes, that is, if you’ll let me, Vera.”

So Sam wanted to give them a little time alone together. Good thinking.

”Thank you. I’d appreciate that.”

But once Vera and Joe were alone together, they found they didn’t have much to say., after all that had been revealed. Vera wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not. She wasn’t sure how much of the pain would still haunt Joe in the years to come. Could therapy help him? Was it even possible that having finally opened up, Joe was already on his way to feeling better? She found that hard to believe. All that pain didn’t just vanish. But from now on, she’d keep an eye on Joe. She’d make sure he didn’t end up in trouble.

”And Joe – therapy or not – if you’re hurting, come and talk to me. Or just have dinner with me. Don’t try to deal with this on your own. You don’t have to. That’s what family is for.”

He nodded gravely.

”Exactly. So if you’re worried about your health or anything else – you talk to me. Alright?”

That served her right. How typical of Joe to turn the tables on her. Giving her a dose of her own medicine. She couldn’t help smiling a little. That was Joe for you.

”Alright. I promise.”

Joe felt raw inside. The honesty had cost him much and now he was completely exhausted. He had a feeling he ought to be angry with Vera, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything like that. In a way, he was grateful. He’d known she cared about him, but to stage such an elaborate investigation just because she was worried about him – it warmed his heart. But there was still a dull pain underlying it all. His betrayal of Celine and the children. Hannah. Liam. All the people he’d let down. But he supposed Sam and Vera were right. Doing what he did, wasn’t really helping. It was only making things worse. He owed it to Celine and to Vera to fight this – sick compulsion.

”Just one thing – I may be angry with Sam for confronting me like this, but I see that maybe he had good reason – and I know you asked him to try to help me. So I suppose what I’m trying to say is – I think he’s a good man. I’m glad you’ve met him.”

Now it was Vera’s turn to be embarrassed. Suddenly, she was young again and she felt her cheeks heating up. Of course Joe wasn’t blind. He’d probably already figured out that Sam had been spending the night with her. But why shouldn’t he? She was old enough to have a – man in her life and a boy like Joe surely understood that.

”Right.”

Joe’s face twitched and at first Vera thought he was about to begin to cry again, then she realized he was smiling. Was he laughing at her discomfort? No. Not Joe. Besides, after what she’d just put him through, perhaps he was entitled to a bit of fun at her expense.

”I should get going. It’s getting late.”

”No, please stay. You can sleep down here -”

Joe hesitated. Celine and the children weren’t at home and maybe it was better that way after tonight. And there was no denying it might be nice not to face the empty house right now. Besides, with him in the house, Sam would be forced to keep to himself. That would serve him right. Even if he probably had helped. As long as Kenny and the others at work never found out, it would be alright. As long as Celine never knew –

”Do you think you can forgive me, pet?”

”There’s nothing to forgive. I know why you did it. I never want to go through anything like this again, but – thank you. I can’t believe I’m saying this – but I actually think I’m beginning to feel better.”

”You never told anyone about – being raped?”

”No.”

”Not your parents? No girlfriend? I don’t suppose you reported it to the police?”

Joe’s expression told her all she needed to know. Fair enough. If she’d been raped at 21, she probably wouldn’t have told anyone about that either. Certainly not her father. The police? Hardly. She herself tried really hard to treat rape victims well and to do all in her power to give them justice. And yet she’d never handled a rape case dealing with a male over the age of ten or so. No grown man. Ever. She wasn’t naive enough to believe that no men were ever raped. They just didn’t report it.

”I’m sorry, love. No more prying.”

Joe sighed.

”If my boy was ever – I’d like him to be able to tell me, to report it to the police. But who am I kidding? Would Kenny report a rape? I don’t think anyone I know would. No men. After all these years. I try to be open minded. I’ve never given a gay suspect a hard time over being gay. And still we’re no further than 1950.”

”I know, pet. And all male rape victims aren’t even gay. But we won’t have any secrets from now on, will we?”

Joe sighed again.

”No. No secrets. I swear.”

”Me too.”

”So – are you and Sam getting married?”

”Hey, don’t push it. Alright. I don’t know. I’ve only known him less than a month. Who knows? If he’ll have me, perhaps. We’ll see.”

”I’m happy for you. You really deserve some happiness at last.”

”Happiness? Hm. Well, I am rather glad to have met Sam, so maybe you’re right. Thanks, love. Speaking of Sam. I wonder if he’s just gone up to bed to leave us some privacy. I’d better go up and find out. You know where everything is?”

”Sure. I’ll manage. Go on up. Thanks for dinner.”

”Thanks for coming. No, thanks for caring, even if I am a bossy, inquisitive old woman, who should learn to mind her own business.”

Joe gave her a quick hug, then let go and watched her walk up the stairs. She did seem to walk with a lighter step again. Maybe the angina wasn’t so bad? Maybe the diet was working. He’d keep an eye on her, just in case. In the midst of all the dull pain at the back of his mind, he felt warmed by Vera’s love for him. He’d been lucky to be paired up with her. No one could have a better partner.

Thank heavens he wasn’t saddled with Kenny. Anyone but him. Although one thing could be said for Kenny. He was gullible. Nothing would lead him to suspect anything out of the ordinary. Even if someone wrote a report about it, he had a feeling Kenny would find a way of not having read the report, or of misreading the names of the involved. There were certain things that didn’t fit into Kenny’s mind, and Joe was pretty sure this was one of those things. Vera dating a psychologist, yes, Kenny would eventually pick up on that, but beyond that – fortunately not.

FIN

© Tonica


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